Feelings of loneliness


This week has been emotionally miserable for me. Maybe its because we had a short week of school but I feel like this is the loneliest I’ve ever felt since I started my program.

I come home every night and I just sigh at the empty feeling in me. I wonder if this is the weather blues that are getting to me… It has gotten much colder and is definitely moving more into winter territory.

My days feel monotonous and the only days that I feel real happiness is when I’m with the honey. I haven’t been in contact with my friends so much because the last 3 weeks have resulted in me being out of town on the weekends, going home at around midnight on most nights and working most of the day on my classes, TAing, my research work, grading homeworks, and doing my professor’s work.  With graduate school, it only gets busier.. So its not like this is going to be easier with time. I’ll have less time for things the further I get to in my career.

I like living on my own but financially I just feel like I’m really stretching my dollar. Maybe I feel this way because of the many vacations that I took this summer and having to rely on my credit card in August to cover expenses (I hate doing that but my summer work only covered my expenses until July; parentals helped me out for August rent), but I just feel having my own apartment is so expensive. I’m already spending almost 50% of my yearly income on my apartment (restocking supplies like toilet paper, soap.. When I was living with my landlady, I was spending only 34%, which is way more reasonable. I also want to travel extensively and do fun things like zip lining but the way my money is flowing, its not going to my savings =/ It was so much easier when only 34% of it went into my bills.

All these factors have led me to thinking that maybe I want to move in with my honey.

One main reason is that this seems to be the perfect time to do it –we will both be in the city for at least another 2 yrs.  This is probably the only time in the next 5 years where we will be geographically stable.

HONEY: He is finishing his training next December and then staying in my area for another 6 months. And then he will be applying for a one-year fellowship in his field. So he’ll be in another city for one more year and then he’ll go job hunting. He wants to stay in our region of the US but we don’t really have a say in that since the market dictates where we will live (although he’s in a pretty stable field so he should be fine anywhere he goes).

ME: I will be in University State for at least another 3 years because of grad school. Once I’m ABD, I can live anywhere as long as I can focus on writing my dissertation. But then I might have to do a post-doc or go on the job market. So I might be in another state for a few years while the honey is in another area for his own job.

I’m not worried about us breaking up because of distance. But I’m worried about us not taking advantage of the fact that we are in the same city and that we are 10-15 mins away from each other. I’m busy and he’s busy but I feel like I’ve been needing that extra support lately.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to come home to someone, to something. I’m not sure I want to wait at least 4 more years before we try out living together. I’ve always prided myself to be an independent strong woman. Not much will change really if this happens (which will happen next year by the earliest, if it happens at all): I’ll still do my laundry, still clean and wash the dishes.. But I feel like I’ll feel more fulfilled and happier if I move in with him.

We have talked about having kids, getting married and getting engaged (in that order). We occasionally joke to each other that we are going to be a “daddy” and a “mommy” someday. So moving in is a topic that I’m not too worried to bring up. My guy friend pointed out (somewhat sexist) that my honey should be the one to bring it up with me.. But I pointed out that he’s not even thinking about that because of his focus on his training (he works 50-60 hours on a good month).. Only if I bring it up or after 5 years from now when we’re stable will my honey bring it up himself. Which in that case might be complicated with our jobs and whatnot.

I really see a future with my honey.. I just want to keep him as close as possible while I can :S

I’ll have someone to come home to. 

If you’ve moved in with your partner, what were the factors that influenced your decision?


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